The first one now will later be last

If there's one thing that's fundamentally fucked up about blogs it's that sometimes the first post you want people to see becomes the last one or vice versa. Here I am, just chillin wearing a 100% cotton t-shirt, khaki pants and some trusty Nike's, wrapping up my guest blogging session for Year of the Blog but this is going to be the first thing you people read. That's fucked up, perception is all off and shit so let me just ex post facto entice you into some carpe diem with the dick of my mind all up in here.

I'm not claiming much, just some humble touch typing abilities and a filter that got all busted up in the emphasemic lungs of the Marlboro Man himself.

and the drums get faster and faster, they start beating furiously like a frustrated 13 year old ready to bust out of, but sadly and more likely, into, his sweat pants and he contemplates the physical possibilities of himself and Jennifer Garner. I once cried during an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" and I'm not sure how many people I've shared this with because of the incredible power I feel it gives me. No one can question the depths of my empathy. Sympathy blows though, ask Susan Sontag, oh yea, she dead, but still, she leaves behind the written word to back up my claims, but like all claims things can be bent and twisted the truth like metal workers, doing the impossible, which I was told is nothing, but I thought nothing was the taint, the grundle, the precenium, that unfortunate patch of skin, relegated to the worst NIMBY in the case of intelligent design, right in between the violence riddled hood and the downwind blowoff of a nuclear power plant. Enjoy your beginnings, this is my ending.

let me give you piece of pie

perhaps you want some pumpkin pie


or perhaps some Strawberry Rhubarb pie

Perhaps you are a horny, fame-loving straight woman or similarly emotioned gay man and desire Chicago Cubs OF Felix Pie


And here, wouldn't you just love to slide a piece of this Apple Pie down your gullet?



Damn, that was too much pie (it's so much you have to click on the image to get the full pie!)

Let me give you a piece of Dru, peace!

Hey!

(Horrible censorship from the man all up in here)

So that's my friend Ben posing by a poop he paid $100 (money went to charitable cause) to take in my toilet. It came out a) huge and b) more significantly, in the form of a dragon including crest and eyes. These are the sort of things that make me believe in other, much more powerful, things.

But this is actually about Dru. I met Dru 2,003 years after Christ was born, which seems like a long ass time for history to wait in between significant events, but that's besides the point, although the point about learning from history or being doomed to repeat is a valid one.

[meta analytical process transparency alert: I was trying to figure out if 2,003 was the right number so I asked Dru and my mutual friend Stephen for some help:

me: is AD after christs birth or death
Stephen: after but it doesn't stand for after death it's like anno dominae

me: year of dominance, so when does it start, the years, after he is born or dies

Stephen: well year 1 AD, but it is all fucked up

me: this is a tough answer

Stephen: oh wait, born, it is born

me: haha

Stephen: but really they think he was born in like 6 BC now

me: that's a pretty technical claim to make at this point, i think the statute on updates closed at this point, unless they can unearth some video evidence

Stephen: i'm 100% with you on this, i want to be known for not caring about this?

me: is that a question?

Stephen: oh shit no

me: case closed

Oh, hello, so anyways, Dru and I met through our involvement with improv comedy, Dru always had more talent than me but one day he was passed out and I woke him up to get breakfast, he puked, we ate, then later he gave a speech to a lot of people, it's been a wild ride.

Let me give you a piece of my mind, peace!

These things are blogs, no one knows where the word came from so let me tell you the truth. We're just walking along, oh what up Gondwana-land suddenly your shit just skips for a second and boom! I SAID MOTHERFUCKIN BOOM the woolly mammoths are extinct. They aren't so woolly and truth be told they aren't even there.

Now you're chillin and thinking about your shared primordial past as you try to engage reptiles in blinking contests when suddenly a real hairy elephant blows past you and for a second you fear you might have to rethink some assumptions which due to your modern stagnating nature you really don't want to do.

Suddenly your eyes open, outer space is in, you. Your oxygen tank is on the outs because you've been spacing (!) out and doing one of those human existence retrospectives, you try to instruct the chimpanzee (goddam fucking Soviet program, idiot, idiot) to fix the valve but then the turtles and the worms and the mice (Iranian space BUST) distracted him with their carbon-based existences and you slowly, in your silver spaceship flew into the yellow haze of the sun, (Neil Young).